Behind the Scenes

For the last year or so, I've had many people ask me if I thought I'd get pregnant again, or if we'd adopt again. Honestly, I didn't know. I didn't really care, either. We've done it both ways and loved it both ways. With Tyson we tried to get pregnant and couldn't. So we adopted. With Preston we tried to adopt and couldn't. That's when I discovered I was pregnant.

Not a very good track record.

A few months before Preston's first birthday, we began unofficially "trying." We told ourselves that we would give it a year, if it didn't work naturally (i.e. no infertility treatments cuz I am SO over that) we would begin the adoption process again. Time passed and nothing happened.

And yet, I never felt any closer to adoption. It didn't feel right. I wanted it to feel right, but it just didn't.

I prayed a lot. My prayers were basically this:

"Tell me what to do. I'll do what ever you want. Just tell me what to do."

My answer was always:

"Relax. Do nothing."

So I'd wait a few more months and ask again:

"Tell me what I need to be doing. I'll do anything."

The answer again came:

"Relax, and do nothing."

At the beginning of the year I started thinking about how May was the "perfect" month to conceive. I don't know why. It seems crazy for me, the one who took 6 1/2 years to conceive the first time, to get my heart set on one specific month. As each month passed with no pregnancy I kept telling myself, "It's OK, it's not May yet."

You can only imagine the self-imposed pressure I felt when May rolled around.

What if it didn't work?

Chances were that it wouldn't. I'd put all my eggs (no pun intended) in one basket. I could feel the wall that had been protecting my heart slowly begin to crumble.

The day before my "monthly friend" was due I was hit with a wave of depression. I didn't get dressed. I moped around the house. I felt like crying all day. That night I decided that I was going to test the next morning just so I could grieve my loss and move on with my life. I couldn't let myself be depressed forever.

I woke early the next morning and without a word to Dan, headed to the bathroom and dug a test out from the back corner of my cabinet.

At first glance it looked negative, so I walked away.

I gave myself a little pep talk.

It's going to be OK. There is always next month. It's OK. We've got plenty of time.

When I had my emotions in check I walked back over to the test to throw it in the garbage. When I picked it up I saw TWO distinct pink lines. I couldn't believe it!

It was positive!

It worked!

I was right!

I actually conceived in May!

Shaking, I went to find Dan. When I showed him the test his eyes bugged out of his head. He was just as surprised as I was.

I am now 13 weeks and due Feb 17th, 2010.

P.S. Today is our 9th Anniversary. Happy Anniversary Babe.