Lollipop Guild

We had pancakes for dinner the other night. For the first time I let Nolan have some syrup on his pancake. It made for some entertaining hair.

I couldn't help but think he looked a lot of one of these guys.

The one on the far right, to be exact.

The Bum Wrap

I said, "I do not fear those pants
With nobody inside them."
I said, and said, and said those words.
I said them. But I lied them.

-Dr. Suess

"Preston! Are you wearing any pants?"

"Nope. I'm goin' commando."

Love Blooms Here

I used to get dandelions in paper cups.

Now I get this:

"Zoob-tunia"

Preston keeps asking to smell it.

The Light and Heavy of Things

I am a pretty private person. That may surprise you since I share so much on-line. But there are many, many things that I keep very close to my heart. Things that I typically only share with my spouse. But lately my heart has been feeling very heavy, weary from worry and stress. I honestly feel that if I was able to get some of it "out there." I would feel much better.

So here I am.

I feel really hesitant to share this, especially so publicly.

I feel like no one will understand. That some may judge me.

I feel very alone in this particular struggle.

I am even afraid some will 'hate' me for it.

It certainly isn't a normal problem.

And it's not politically correct to talk about.

The issue is my weight.

I've always been a small, petite person. It has nothing to do with what I eat or how much I exercise. It's just the way I am. It's genetic.

My problem lately is that I'm losing weight. And it's becoming unhealthy.

I know why I'm losing the weight. The problem is that the things that are causing me to lose weight are good and healthy things.

First, I'm still nursing my baby. He is eleven months old and I plan to wean him to whole milk in the next month. I am currently only nursing him three times a day. I've considered weaning him early, but he's had a cold. I just can't bring myself to wean a sick baby, for both the nutritional and the comfort benefits.

When Preston was a baby, I nursed him until his first birthday. Preston was a chubby baby at 6 months. He was skin and bones at his birthday. He stopped gaining weight. It was such a slow process, and babies are supposed to slim down a little when they become mobile, that I didn't notice. In hindsight it was much more noticeable.

The pediatrician and I decided to watch Nolan more closely to see if he followed the same trend. He hasn't. Nolan has continued to gain weight and has kept some of his chub. I was so preoccupied watching Nolan's weight that I didn't notice that mine was dropping (I certainly wasn't getting on a scale everyday). Breastfeeding is supposed to help you lose weight after having a baby. But I didn't notice when I lost all the baby weight and continued to lose more. (This issue was exacerbated when I decided to run a 5K last summer.)

So, you ask, why not just increase my calories?

Well that brings me to issue #2. Some members of my family have been dealing with the opposite problem. Their weight was becoming unhealthy on the other end of the spectrum. So I re-evaluated what we were eating. We weren't eating bad, just not good enough. So I increased our fruits and veggies, decreased our starchy carbs and fats, and reduced serving sizes. It worked perfectly. Everyone's weight returned to a normal healthy range. Except mine. It turns out I need that fat and those starchy carbs. Without them (at least while nursing) my weight has dropped to double digits, multiple times.

I try to sneak extra food when the kids aren't looking. But I hate hiding it. I want to model good eating habits for my kids, not sneak extra snacks and desserts when they aren't looking. And it's easier to keep them eating the good food when there isn't any junk in the house.

Now I am terrified of getting the flu. Not eating for days and losing 5 lbs could quite likely land me in the hospital. My clothes don't fit anymore. My monthly cycle is out of whack. And I'm just all-around stressed out about it.

And no one understands.

Being under-weight is just as dangerous as being over weight. In fact some experts say that being underweight is worse than being slightly overweight. But society doesn't want to talk about that.

For now, I'm sneaking treats throughout the day, eating at midnight, cinching my belt up tighter, and hoping this resolves itself when I stop nursing.

Deep Fatigue

Yes, I know I haven't blogged in more than a week.

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No, I don't feel too bad about it.

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My excuse? Honestly, I'm tired.

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You can only burn the candle at both ends for so long before you burn out.

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We all have colds. . . . . again.

(but at least they are only colds, nothing worse)

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We have cabin fever. It's too cold to go outside and we're too sick anyway.

(But we have a nice warm home to hang out in)

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I've seen 3am way too many times recently.

(Because I've been caring for my sweet kids who I love immensely)

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Life is stressful and that stress is getting heavy.

(But it could be worse, a lot worse.)

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My days can be easily categorized by strategically placed baby gates and tissue boxes.

(I am thankful to have baby gates and a year supply of tissues)

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I'm fighting a never ending battle against clutter. The clutter is winning. By a landslide.

(But I'm still fighting. That's worth something, right?)

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Did I mention I was tired?

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Physically and emotionally.

(But grateful for the strength to carry on.)

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The blog can wait.

Funny Faces Friday

Little Boy Mischief

Nolan has officially entered this stage:

More often than not, my kitchen floor is covered in Tupperware, utensils and kitchen towels.

And if you think that Nolan has replaced Preston in the mischief department, you'd be wrong.

Preston has simply moved on to bigger and better things.

Like turning on his own computer games when he things no one is watching.

My new motto is "Never underestimate Preston."

The other day I thought I was hearing voices in the kitchen. I couldn't figure out where the voice was coming from though. Several hours later I caught Preston turning on the laptop at the kitchen table. It was then that I realized where the mystery voice was coming from. Preston had turned on the audio prompts.

Me: Preston, what are you doing to the computer?!

Preston: Awesome stuff.