The Light and Heavy of Things

I am a pretty private person. That may surprise you since I share so much on-line. But there are many, many things that I keep very close to my heart. Things that I typically only share with my spouse. But lately my heart has been feeling very heavy, weary from worry and stress. I honestly feel that if I was able to get some of it "out there." I would feel much better.

So here I am.

I feel really hesitant to share this, especially so publicly.

I feel like no one will understand. That some may judge me.

I feel very alone in this particular struggle.

I am even afraid some will 'hate' me for it.

It certainly isn't a normal problem.

And it's not politically correct to talk about.

The issue is my weight.

I've always been a small, petite person. It has nothing to do with what I eat or how much I exercise. It's just the way I am. It's genetic.

My problem lately is that I'm losing weight. And it's becoming unhealthy.

I know why I'm losing the weight. The problem is that the things that are causing me to lose weight are good and healthy things.

First, I'm still nursing my baby. He is eleven months old and I plan to wean him to whole milk in the next month. I am currently only nursing him three times a day. I've considered weaning him early, but he's had a cold. I just can't bring myself to wean a sick baby, for both the nutritional and the comfort benefits.

When Preston was a baby, I nursed him until his first birthday. Preston was a chubby baby at 6 months. He was skin and bones at his birthday. He stopped gaining weight. It was such a slow process, and babies are supposed to slim down a little when they become mobile, that I didn't notice. In hindsight it was much more noticeable.

The pediatrician and I decided to watch Nolan more closely to see if he followed the same trend. He hasn't. Nolan has continued to gain weight and has kept some of his chub. I was so preoccupied watching Nolan's weight that I didn't notice that mine was dropping (I certainly wasn't getting on a scale everyday). Breastfeeding is supposed to help you lose weight after having a baby. But I didn't notice when I lost all the baby weight and continued to lose more. (This issue was exacerbated when I decided to run a 5K last summer.)

So, you ask, why not just increase my calories?

Well that brings me to issue #2. Some members of my family have been dealing with the opposite problem. Their weight was becoming unhealthy on the other end of the spectrum. So I re-evaluated what we were eating. We weren't eating bad, just not good enough. So I increased our fruits and veggies, decreased our starchy carbs and fats, and reduced serving sizes. It worked perfectly. Everyone's weight returned to a normal healthy range. Except mine. It turns out I need that fat and those starchy carbs. Without them (at least while nursing) my weight has dropped to double digits, multiple times.

I try to sneak extra food when the kids aren't looking. But I hate hiding it. I want to model good eating habits for my kids, not sneak extra snacks and desserts when they aren't looking. And it's easier to keep them eating the good food when there isn't any junk in the house.

Now I am terrified of getting the flu. Not eating for days and losing 5 lbs could quite likely land me in the hospital. My clothes don't fit anymore. My monthly cycle is out of whack. And I'm just all-around stressed out about it.

And no one understands.

Being under-weight is just as dangerous as being over weight. In fact some experts say that being underweight is worse than being slightly overweight. But society doesn't want to talk about that.

For now, I'm sneaking treats throughout the day, eating at midnight, cinching my belt up tighter, and hoping this resolves itself when I stop nursing.