The Diary of a Potty Training Mom

Day 1
9:00 Put child on Potty. Nothing happens.

9:05 Convince child to swap Pull-up for Lightning McQueen underwear. Set Potty timer for 25 minutes.

9:20 Ignore prompting to take child to the potty

9:25 Ignore second prompting to take child to potty.

9:26 Hear child yell, "I peed!" Run to find him squatting in your office chair. Rush child to potty. Nothing more happens. Reset potty timer for 45 minutes.

9:28 Clean chair

9:30 Help child find new Elmo undies.

9:35 Bibliotherapy. Read Underwear by Mary Elise Monsell.

10:10 Potty timer beeps. Drag child away from cartoons and into the bathroom. Child climbs up on the potty. Nothing happens. Reset timer for 15 minutes.

10:23 Remind child that it's almost time to go potty.

10:25 Potty timer beeps. Child informs you that he already peed. Remove wet underoos. Make child climb on potty to 'finish.' Nothing happens. Child dons a new pair of Lighting McQueen. Reset timer for 45 minutes.

11:10 Potty timer beeps, but you don't hear it because you are in the shower. You send older sibling to help child to the potty when he complains about the noisy timer.

11:20 Older child informs you that he did NOT take child potty when you question him after your shower. Rush child to potty. Nothing happens, except a juicy fart. Encourage child to sit a little longer, but child refuses. Bribe child with toys and candy if he will poop in the potty. Child jumps off the toilet and runs away. Reset timer for 10 minutes and PRAY child does not poop in his underwear before then.

11:30 Timer beeps as you are nursing the baby. Verbally send child to the potty on his own. Child runs into the bathroom and shuts the door. A few minutes later child emerges from bathroom, still wearing his underwear. Child proudly announces that he put diaper rash cream on his bum. Verbally instruct child to remove his underwear and go sit on the potty. Child runs into the bathroom and shuts the door. Finish nursing the baby. Go into the bathroom and find child hugging, not sitting on, the toilet. Place child on the toilet. Listen to child scream about how he wanted to get on the potty all.by.himself. Witness the first successful peeing of the day while child is still yelling about not wanting to go potty. Put underwear back on child and reset the timer for 45 minutes.

12:15 Timer beeps during lunch. Child jumps out of his chair, runs to the potty and quickly climbs on. He sits there for 0.25 seconds when he announces that he's all done and jumps right back off.

12:30 Put child back on potty when lunch is over. Child again sits for 0.25 seconds, announces he is done and jumps off. Child runs downstairs begging for a movie.

12:31 Child yells from the basement, "I peed!" Breathe deeply and fight urge to give up.

12:35 Send child to get new underwear while cleaning the carpet.

12:40 Notice "skid mark" where still bare bottomed child was sitting. Rush child to the toilet. Encourage him to poop. Put him back on the potty repeatedly. Bribe child to stay by reading books, including but not limited to "Everyone Poops" by Taro Gomi. Continue until your butt goes numb from sitting on the bathroom floor. Nothing happens.

1:00 Help child into his fresh underwear. Make him promise not to poop or pee in them.

1:20 Find child squatting in the corner. Rush child, mid poop, to the toilet. Cheer as child finishes the job in the toilet, over coming his pooping-in-the-potty phobia.

1:30 Reward child with candy. Older sibling rewards child with a dollar.

1:45 Naptime. Put child in a pull-up. Tuck him in, and say Good Night. Breathe a sigh of relief.