I {Heart} Open Adoption

We have an Open Adoption with Tyson's Birth Mother.

The term 'open adoption' is evolving. Ten years ago an open adoption simply meant that a birth mother could choose the family in which she wanted to place her child. She typically didn't know their last name, or where they lived. They would only meet once or twice, if at all. Correspondence post-placement was very limited and often non-existent.

Fast Forward to 2004. The open adoption we entered into with Tyson's Birth Mother was fairly progressive for it's time. She knew our last name before we ever met. She knew where we lived. Our first meeting took place at an Italian restaurant when she was about 4 months along. I attended a couple prenatal appointments with her, including her 20 week ultrasound where we discovered he was a boy. I met her mom and other family members before the birth. At placement we met even more of her family as she placed her infant in our arms.

That was the last time we saw her. We wrote her very often, sending tons of pictures. We sent her flowers when the adoption was finalized. We continued to exchanged gifts for holidays and Tyson's birthday over the years. All of this correspondence was sent through the adoption agency. Even though we both knew how to contact the other directly, we chose to respect each other's space and privacy.

Tyson has always known he is adopted. He loves to hear the story of his birth. He has pictures of his Birth Mother in his bedroom. So, it wasn't too surprising when he started asking when he could meet her. When he first asked I said, "Maybe someday." But he kept asking. I knew he wasn't going to drop it. After working up the courage, I wrote her a letter letting her know that he was showing interest in meeting her. I did my best to phrase the letter so as not to put pressure on her if she wasn't ready. Tyson was thrilled when she wrote back agreeing to meet.

We made reservations at a restaurant of Tyson's choosing and arranged to meet her and her family there. I admit, I was so nervous: nervous about what we would say, what Tyson would say, how this would change the relationship we have with her. And as silly as it sounds I was scared that Tyson would like her better than me. After all, I'm the mean mom who makes him clean his room and sit on time out. I was a nervous wreck until about three hours before the meeting when I was suddenly filled with peace. I knew everything was going to be OK. I knew that this was going to be good for Tyson.

As we entered the restaurant Tyson was quickly greeted by his Birth Mother and her family. I think Tyson was a little overwhelmed. He shyly handed over the roses he brought for her and a Spiderman picture he had drawn for her earlier in the day. He gave her a hesitant hug and then clung to my side. I know this is completely selfish, but it did my heart some good to know that I was still his safe place, his comfort zone. As we were being seated Tyson insisted on sitting right next to his Birth Mom. He loved being near her, and even followed her to the salad bar. We talked and visited for about two hours. We agreed to get together each year near his birthday.

Tyson is anxiously looking forward to it.

And so am I.

Tyson & His Birth Mom

Tyson with both of his Moms

Open adoptions have come a long way in the last 5 years. It is very common now for adoptive couples to email, text, call, and visit with birth mothers on a regular basis. An open adoption can be very beneficial for the child. Tyson will never have to wonder where he came from, or if his birth mother still loves him and thinks about him.

He knows.

Tyson's birth mother will never wonder if Tyson knows who she is and how much she loves him.

She knows.

The key to a successful open adoption is honesty and communication. Both sides must be honest about what they are and are not comfortable with.

If you would like to know how birth mothers feel about open adoption click here.